Turn the tires towards the street
by callmesandy
Summary: He was hallucinating. It was a damn good hallucination. He closes his eyes to see if he'll get back to it. (post-Descent) (trigger warnings: aftermath of torture, suicidal thoughts.)


notes: no profit garnered, not mine. Title, beginning and ending quotes from the Mountain Goats's Dilaudid. Thanks jf for beta!

* * *

_If we get our full three score and ten_  
We won't pass this way again  
So kiss me with your mouth open  
Turn the tires toward the street  
And stay sweet

Marty passes out from the pain.

He wakes up when Kensi gets out of bed. It's a bright room, a big warm bed. Some kind of super fluffy comforter and Kensi's flung half of it over him. His memories come rushing back. He's recovered, they're skiing. He hears the toilet flush and Kensi comes padding back to the bed. "I'm freezing," she says. She pulls the comforter back over her and snuggles up next to him. "Warm me up."

"Happy to make you happy," he says and starts by kissing her.

He opens his eyes and the pain is still coming. Hallucination. He was hallucinating. It was a damn good hallucination. He closes his eyes to see if he'll get back to it.

The Hulk smashes through the door, followed by an arrow whizzing over Marty's head into his least favorite minion of an evil guy ever. Hawkeye climbs through the big hole in the wall the Hulk left just as the Hulk smashes his fist into Siderov. Hawkeye scans the room. The Hulk picks up Marty rather gently. He says, "Puny cop."

He'd rather have Black Widow. She's almost hotter than Kensi.

His eyes open. He's been stabbed in the gut which is where all the blood is coming from. Besides the blood in his mouth. And the cut on his head. Cuts. But they told him that. He is nothing and they are leaving him to bleed to death on the floor, slowly. Hurry up, Black Widow, he thinks.

He saw Iron Man 3 two weeks ago. He went with Eric and some guys from data analysis. It was awesome. So. He doesn't have that to live for.

He wants to see Star Trek Into Darkness. And Thor 2. Maybe Man of Steel but he is not a big Christopher Nolan fan. He knows it's a minority opinion. He is a huge Amy Adams fan. Ever since she was guest starring on WB shows about Clark Kent.

There's a lot of blood on the floor.

He drags himself, he crawls and staggers to the outer room. He needs to get out and let people know where he is. If he lives through this.

xx

Kensi and Callen clear each room, carefully. They are rote and on point and going as fast as they can. And they are halfway done and there is no sign of Sam or Deeks. Callen signals he is going left and she goes right. Into the room. Deeks is on the floor. She sees a lot of blood. She tries to breathe. She screams for Callen.

In the other room she sees things. Instruments. There is a thick trail of blood.

She falls to her knees next to him. She touches his neck, she can feel his pulse. "Okay," she says. "Deeks, it'll be okay. Don't worry." She has no idea what she's saying.

"Come on, baby." She rolls him a little and now she can see his face. What's there. She turns away.

She throws up on the floor. She's messed up the evidence. "I'm sorry, baby," she says. She wipes her mouth, grabs her gloves and presses them against the wound on his stomach.

Callen finally comes in. She says, "There's no exit. I didn't look very hard in the other room. But it's clear."

Callen gasps and breathes heavy. She's reacting badly, she knows. "I'm sorry," she says.

Callen squeezes her shoulder. "Ambulance is coming."

It takes forever. They watch the EMTs load up Deeks.

Callen says, "Stay here until the forensics team from DoD comes. Wait by the front. After they get here, go to the hospital." He takes her by the elbow and leads her away from the room. She is being benched. She should protest.

She says, "okay."

The team arrives an hour later. Kensi spends an hour counting to 1000 in every language she knows. It's the most effective meditation she knows. She can't let herself think.

She tells the team she was the one who threw up in the back room. She stops counting and drives to the hospital. Suddenly she can't breathe or she's breathing too fast. She remembers the pressure of his lips on hers and why didn't they do that sooner, and she is driving very badly.

xx

He's in a hospital. Walls, lights, noise. Someone is holding his hand. Woman with cap holding back her hair. Beautiful eyes though not Kensi beautiful. The woman says, "Don't try to talk."

He hadn't thought of trying.

She says, "Squeeze my hand once for yes, two for no, okay?"

He squeezes once. His vision is already blurring so he closes his eyes. He still answers. No allergies, no reactions.

He opens his eyes and Black Widow lets go of his hand. "Waste of time," she says. He thinks that means she loves him.

He passes out to the increased beeping.

xx

Kensi wades through the ER and flashes her badge enough to get to where she waits for news about Deeks. She presses her lips together. She feels like her whole body is degenerating.

At some indeterminate point, she sees Hetty. It feels surreal seeing her outside the Mission, seeing her so clearly upset. She sits next to Kensi. "I thought I would join you," Hetty says. "It's never easy waiting in these places."

"Did they find Sam?"

"Yes," Hetty says. "He is not at his best, but he is alive. He and Mr. Callen are at the boatshed with Agents Hanna and Sabatino, planning their next move."

"And they can spare you?"

"I can do everything I need to here," Hetty says, taking a tablet from her purse.

Kensi overhears the op unfold for the next two hours. She doesn't contribute anything.

A harried looking doctor finally comes looking for them. Hetty stands and identifies herself. Words wash over Kensi, loss of blood, broken bones, internal bleeding, head wounds, coma. But the doctor doesn't say "I'm sorry." So he is alive.

She sits back down. She hears the words all over again as Hetty relays Deeks's condition to everyone else.

As they sit there, a firefight breaks out. Ten minutes later, Siderov and his people are dead. The nukes are recovered. The Iranians don't have anything and most of them are fleeing, tails between their legs.

Janvier has escaped.

Hetty says, "Kensi?" in her gentlest voice.

"Yeah."

"I think you should go home and shower and try to sleep. We have a lot to do tomorrow."

Kensi thinks. "I have a lot to do."

"I think," Hetty says. "It's okay if you come here tomorrow. Keep your phone on so we can reach you."

"Why do I get tomorrow off?"

Hetty smiles. "I would give everyone the day off if I could."

She's home, she showers, she lies down on her bed. Suddenly she has thoughts, a million thoughts. She runs through the rooms they cleared. She thinks about which instruments they must have used that she saw. She considers the injuries Deeks had and what she knows of the recovery times. She thinks about everything in dizzying circles.

She opens her eyes in the morning. She has 10 text messages. Deeks is still alive and Janvier is still missing.

She drives to Deeks's apartment. She stands at the door and can't hear Monty. After a minute she does, but it's not from his apartment.

The door to the neighbor's apartment opens. Monty comes running at her, barking hello. The neighbor is short, 5'3", early 30s, caucasian, brunette, brown eyes, looks tense. Neighbor says, "I guess Monty knows you."

"Yeah," Kensi says. "I was worried about him."

"Monty? He's fine. Marty and I have an arrangement. If he isn't home by 8pm, I take Monty. We have keys to each other's apartments." Anxious Neighbor doesn't smile or come past the door frame.

"Deeks is in the hospital," Kensi says. "I don't think, he won't be out today for sure."

"Yeah," she says. "A woman from his work called me. I guess Marty gave her my number. I can take care of Monty for a while. He likes me. I'm home." The woman purses her lips. "I work from home and I'm on disability and Monty likes me. He likes my cat, too." She rubs her hands together. "Sorry, I'm Regina." She doesn't offer her hand.

"I'm Kensi." She's about to say maybe she should take Monty anyway. Monty is too smart for her and runs to Regina. The woman actually smiles. Kensi says, "That seems like a good arrangement."

"Yeah," Regina says. She is petting Monty who is lapping it up. "When he moved in, he introduced himself. He's a really nice guy."

"Yeah," Kensi says. She hugs Monty and then leaves.

She drives around. She gets another 6 updates, Deeks still alive, Janvier still out there. Callen specifically texts her to watch out.

She heads to the hospital.

She goes back to work in the morning. Deeks doesn't regain consciousness for another two days.

XX

"Is everyone okay?" is what Marty tries to say. It comes out more like argle bargle blahggah.

Hetty knows many languages, thankfully, including tortured mouth talk. She says, "Yes, everyone is fine. Siderov is dead. We have the nuclear weapons. Janvier, unfortunately, is the only dangling loose end out there. He was the one who told Siderov Sam was an agent."

Since she understands him so well, he says, "Am I okay?"

"Of course not," Hetty says. "You will, however, recover. I expect you back to work in six months."

Six months is a very long time.

"Don't worry, NCIS is covering everything." She shrugs. "The parts your LAPD health insurance and leave doesn't cover. And Monty is being well taken care of by your neighbor, Ms. Lowe."

He doesn't feel reassured. But he does feel like he's floating.

Kensi doesn't understand tortured mouth talk nearly as well as Hetty. He is much happier to see her, as happy as he was when he saw Hetty.

She looks happy to see him. She looks fuzzy sometimes. She says, "Are you smiling? I can't tell. Sorry."

She takes his hand and he squeezes hers. She says, "We're still looking for Janvier. We've had some close calls. You wouldn't think he's still have those networks, but he does. We have security on you here."

He doesn't really think anyone would be coming for him. Maybe he's being too self-deprecating. It's a fault of his, for sure. Last time he got shot, they were after Kensi. This time, he did not get shot but it was still about Sam and Michelle, not him.

He's a disaster to look at but after two weeks, he can sit up and talk and even eat very very soft foods. Kensi comes every night after work. She takes control of the remote so they watch the Bachelorette and some Real Housewives. She does bring him some of his dvds. She puts up with watching the Avengers three nights in a row. He hopes it's not because of the hot actors because he really doesn't measure up right now.

He wakes up. Janvier is standing over him, gun pointed at his head. He can't move.

He wakes up, staring at the ceiling. This is a panic attack, he thinks. It doesn't make his heart beat slower, or his breath come easier.

xx

Kensi's nightmares are about what she'd expect. She searches for things, she can't find them, everything is very quiet and then she watches Deeks die. It's so predictable she can't bring herself to tell the new Nate.

Callen is the one who needs therapy, she thinks. She puts on her running shoes and heads out. She runs for an hour, blanking her thoughts.

She gets to work and Callen is already there. He is always already there. He has the same maps in a file. He watches the same CCTV loops. He searches the same internet forums. It's not the kind of work that solves cases, it's the kind of work you do before burning out.

If Deeks were here, he'd make a joke.

But she watches Callen age in front of her. She puts down her bag and goes straight to the new Nate. She thinks she'll be in a much better position to confront Callen if he can't call her a hypocrite.

New Nate is a woman, a former field agent who lost a leg in Columbia. Kensi is embarrassed that she never remembers the woman's name. Luckily it's on all her degrees in her tiny office. Penny Bradley.

It's a horrible, painful hour. Kensi cries and she loathes crying. It makes her want to throw up. She feels better, though, at the end of the day. She sits next to Deeks's bed while he sleeps.

Except, usually, he's awake at this time of night. The nurse comes in to check his vitals. She says, "I don't think he's going to wake up until morning. He had to be sedated today." Kensi stays for a while anyway. She watches tv and holds his hand.

She comes back in the morning and this time he's awake. "Did you know," she says. "Did someone tell you they had to shave your head?"

"I looked in the mirror, thanks. I look like Matt Damon in that movie where he's a heroin addict in the army, don't I?"

"I have no idea what movie you're talking about, and I have to say, even on your good hair days, Matt Damon's got it all over you."

"Are you leaving me for Jason Bourne?" He looks down and away from her.

She smiles and holds his hand. They're like 1st graders going out. She says, "Yesterday, I talked to the New Nate. Penny. And it sucked. It really sucked. But it was good, too."

Now he's looking at her. "Is this a pointed comment? Cause I can't imagine you willingly talking to someone about your feelings, much less doing it and practically bragging to me about it."

"I did it so I could tell Callen he needs to get some help," she says quickly. She doesn't flinch at the tone of his voice.

"Random coinky-dink that you bring this up the day after I flip out?" He almost seems angry.

"It turned out to be since I went yesterday and didn't find out about your flipping out until last night," she says, still smiling.

"You don't have to come every day," he says.

"Oh, real mature," she says. "I want to come every day. I mean, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't come every day?"

"Girlfriend?" He's smiling. "I thought we were not talking about that, or something."

"I hold your hand every time I'm here. I can't exactly kiss you back when your face is swollen and -"

"But you never said," he says. "I thought you were being partner-y."

She laughs. "Okay, let me be clear." It's her morning courage. She takes his hand and guides him under her shirt and inside her bra. His surprisingly warm hand is cupping her breast. She leans in a little and he gently squeezes. "This is not partner-y."

"No," he says, smiling wide as he can. She guides his hand out and kisses his palm. "I have to say, your communications skills have been totally lacking. That part, with the great groping and your perfect breast, that was incredibly clear, but it has been a month I've been here." He reaches out and touches her lips. She shivers as he touches her.

"Fine, we're tied," she says. "Did you see someone about your incident?"

"Of course I did. It was actually more a panic attack, honestly, than a real incident. Second of the day. Sam called Penny for me."

They're clasping hands. Her stomach is still unsettled but she concentrates on his hands and his voice. "Sam?"

"He comes every day, too," Deeks says. "He comes in the morning. He doesn't let me touch his breast or hold hands. But he talks to me. Tells me how worried he is about Callen, all the steps they've had to take to protect Michelle and the kids."

"I had no idea," she says.

"I don't tell you everything," he says. "Do you want me to?"

He's staring at her like the question is serious and important. She blinks and her stomach turns over. "I don't know," she says, quietly. She takes a deep breath. "You're kind of freaking me out."

"Sorry," he says. "I'm feeling a little raggedy. And I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who. So I'm using the word raggedy. But I think my British accent is getting a lot better."

She leans over and kisses his forehead. "Okay," she says.

xx

In the morning, Sam comes right on schedule. Marty exaggerated a little about how close he and Sam were now. But not much.

Sam drops off his James Bond set. He says, "You on solid food yet?"

"Sort of? It's more like things I can gum to death. What are you going to bring me?"

"Something healthy. We need you back," Sam says.

"Nice to hear. Do you mean it?"

"You know I do," Sam says. "As soon as you're cleared to exercise, we can get to work in the gym."

"How's Callen?"

Sam just shakes his head.

Marty wants out.

He tries to do some very simple pilates exercises. It causes him intense pain like tearing. Two doctors yell at him. Kensi and Sam yell at him. Penny doesn't. She's kind and irritating and she's always so fucking calm.

He isn't ready to admit to the fear that keeps him waking him, no matter how many pills they make him take. Naturally, Penny forces him to. "What if all this is a hallucination?" He isn't less afraid once he says it out loud.

"You mean, the hallucinations you had before you were unconscious and in the hospital. You think you're in one now."

"Yes," he says. "Or I'm about to die and this is the last split second, you know, neurons firing for that one last second but it feels like six weeks. And it's not like I can ask - of course people in hallucinations don't tell you they're just hallucinations."

"Or you're a second away from being dead and they wouldn't tell you that either," she says. He wonders how she lost her leg but that's another thing you can't just ask people.

He sits there, feeling twitchy from chest to his jaw. He's really panicking about this and he feels stupid and worthless and small and he has a lot of adjectives but the word he hears in his head is a verb: run.

Penny says, "What would it take to convince you this is real? Do you think you can convince yourself?"

"Clearly I can't. I know it's just some overused fiction cliche I've seen too many times in the movies and television, I know. It's the dumbest thing to be afraid of, possibly ever, but what if this is just Inception meets Jacob's Ladder?"

"I haven't seen either of those movies."

He says, "So you're saying no spoilers?"

She smiles. She never laughs at his jokes, and he makes a lot of them. The best he ever gets is a smile. Maybe he isn't supposed to be using humor to defuse tension when he's the one who's tense. He's not backing down from the jokes until she makes him.

"What if you just told yourself, every time you were worried, that this is real," she says.

"If I just choose to be sane, it'll all work out?" He sounds angry. He doesn't realize until he says it exactly how angry he is. He takes a deep breath, something he already knows to do and yet Penny told him again how helpful it is. He takes another.

"I am not saying that at all."

xx

Deeks's temporary replacement is not someone Kensi is gelling with. It's probably her fault. Agent Kersich is a consummate professional who follows rules without being foolishly bound by them, thinks on her feet, and isn't obnoxious about Kensi's driving.

Kensi never has real conversations with Sam or Callen until Kersich's gone home for the day. Kensi watches Kersich pack her bag and smile politely at the three of them and leave. Sam follows her out. She wonders at the level of security Sam and Michelle have constructed around their children. It will never feel like enough.

Speaking of never enough, she thinks, looking at Callen. He's already ignoring her, engaged in his expiation. "Callen," she says.

"Don't even start, Kensi."

"I am going to start," she says. "I think you should go back to the operational psychologist."

"Do you?" He looks up and his face scares her. That is not an expression he has ever directed at her. For a second she hopes he isn't armed.

She takes a breath. "I do. I did, and it was good."

"I'm glad for you, Kensi. But I am not you." He manages to make five words sound like a string of insults directed at her obvious, vulnerable spots.

"No, you're better than me. You're the best ever," she says. She hears her voice breaking. Like a girl, she thinks. Deeks says she's like Wonder Woman. She sits up straight. "I don't want to argue with you. I want you to know that we all want Janvier and we are not going to get anywhere if you don't get yourself together."

"Right, but you want it more. It's about Deeks for you and you're the one who gets to take that personally. So you're in a position to decide, to pass judgment."

"I didn't say that," she says.

"You're thinking it."

"Maybe," she says. She blinks. "Maybe I feel like Deeks is my partner and he's the one who's in the hospital and I took the steps to deal with me -"

"With your feelings." Callen spits it out. "Because I wouldn't be affected by seeing Deeks, the way he was, knowing it was my fault he and Sam were in danger."

Kensi looks down. "I didn't say you weren't affected. Obviously you're affected. But, Callen." She stands up and gathers her things. She drops her keys and has to bend down and get them. "I'm not attacking you."

"No," Callen says. It sounds like he's saying "like you could."

She drives to the hospital. Even she can acknowledge she's not driving well, but she arrives.

Deeks grins at her. "Hey, I'm ready for some boobage," he says. "Did you need more foreplay than that? I can't exactly wine or dine you unless you brought the wine or the food."

"I need you to not call it boobage," she says. She laughs and unwinds a little bit.

xx

The daily quiz from Penny keeps coming up 'not to be trusted with a gun.' Marty is impressed, that's some very effective reading of his mental state. He tells himself, this is real. Would he hallucinate himself depressed? He probably would. So he repeats it. It's the world's most ineffective mantra, he's never completely convinced.

"Nell and Eric were attacked yesterday, we think it was Janvier," Sam says. "They're both okay, barely." He sighs. He looks defeated for a split second.

"Anyone else hurt?" Like Marty is part of the team and helping on the case. He doesn't need to know.

"Yeah," Sam says. "We weren't covering them enough."

"Sucks," Marty says.

"That it does." Sam looks around the room like he's steeling himself to leave. Go to work, save the day. "At least it snapped Callen out of his state. A little. He actually apologized to Kensi."

"Wow," Marty says. He smiles. "I can't wait to hear about it."

"Bet she won't tell you all of it." Sam is smiling, too.

"I would not take that bet," Marty says. "Now go to work, man. I'll be here tomorrow."

"We tightened your security," Sam says. "Don't worry."

"I'm not worried," Marty says.

"You should be," Sam says. "Don't you flake out on me, too."

"I get to flake out." Marty bets he would recognize his father's jaw in his face if he could see himself right now. "I am allowed to be freaked out, wigging out, feeling the effects of the last month or so for as long as I need to."

Sam looks defeated again, for much longer than a second. "That wasn't what I meant."

xx

"Be honest," Kensi says. "No one would judge if you went home right now."

Nell smiles weakly. "I'm just sitting in front of a computer and doing some light filing. I think I can handle it." She plays with the edge of the bandage on her arm. "You know what, Kensi? Let's talk about anything else."

Kensi nods and tries to think of anything else. Then she says, "Did you know Deeks has a subscription box addiction? He gets, I kid you not, at least 10 boxes a month."

"Like beauty samples?" Nell grins.

"No, well, yes. He gets one of those. Birchbox Man. He likes the moisturizers. And chapsticks. But it started with Barkbox. For dogs." Kensi pulls her phone out and starts flipping through the pictures. "He made me take pictures. I go over to his apartment every few days to check on Monty."

"Oh my god, is someone taking care of Monty? I never thought about that."

"Don't worry, I checked the very next day. Monty is in the excellent hands of Deeks's neighbor, a very nice lady who works from home. He loves his treats from Barkbox."

Nell takes the phone from her and looks at the pictures. "Bespoke Post? Mantry? Kona Kase. Hungry Globetrotter? And there's more."

"He loves them, I'm not kidding. He has all this stuff, in his fridge or the pantry that he's gotten from them. And tees, and dress shirts. And message pads and headphones and weird books." Kensi laughs. "A lot of rubs and barbeque sauces."

"You had to take the pictures," Nell says. She is genuinely smiling.

"He wanted updates." When Kensi looks over Nell, she just see the injuries and the chaos of yesterday. Eric is still in the hospital, but he'll be out in a week. She looks down at her phone. "The tees are pretty soft, though. I can bring you in one."

Nell shakes her head. "I would be swimming in it, but thank you."

"Think of it as a nightgown," Kensi says.

"I think I'm supposed to be sleeping in a vest, now," Nell says quietly.

Kensi says quickly, "You can wear it under the vest. And you won't be wearing the vest for too long."

Nell nods. "I don't really believe you, Kensi."

"The tees are super soft," Kensi says. She can't stop trying with Nell or Deeks or Callen. She sighs.

xx

Marty keeps picturing the attack on Eric and Nell like Kensi described it. After she told him she was giving away things from his favorite subscription boxes. He can see the knives flashing and the blood on the steps up to Eric's place. It's as vivid as a hallucination. He imagines it and replays and flinches even though it's just a story someone told him.

"So I'm getting better physically, at least," he tells Penny. He gets to use the bathroom, he walks very slowly, he talks easily, he chews, he spits. He is very close to being released to his own damn home where he will get to go to physical therapy and brain therapy. Some of his therapies will be coming to him.

He wonders if they're keeping him at the hospital so they can protect him better. He sees wooden steps. He's been to Eric's place more than once. Maybe now Eric has to move. Marty moved from the place where he lived after he got shot. Monty likes the new place way better. This isn't real, he thinks.

"What are my chances of getting my gun back before Janvier shows up here?"

Penny says, "What do you think they are?"

"So we're trading pointless questions," Marty says. "Absolutely my favorite part of this mandatory therapy."

"Would you go if it weren't mandatory?"

Marty sighs. "I'd take the meds, which I am already doing, check in once a month, but no, I'm not a huge therapy fan. Not my first time at this rodeo, you know."

So he and Penny have another conversation about his prior experiences with therapy and how he's feeling and he could not loathe being here more.

After an hour, he gets to leave. "I brought you a knife," Kensi says.

"So I can feebly jab at Janvier when he comes for me?" Marty tries to smile so it's not as mean.

"I don't know, your hands on me don't feel that feeble," she says. They banter in their delightful manner and before he knows it, Kensi has climbed into the bed, carefully arranging herself to not touch or disturb his one remaining IV.

"This is real," he says, laughing.

"This is awkward," she says. "I can't wait until you're home."

"But the ambiance," he says. "This stylish gown, the bland walls, the bathroom with the bars and the non-HD TV that only gets 50 channels, like that could possibly be enough."

She is wiggling, trying to get comfortable when the nurse walks in. Kensi scrambles to get up and knocks out his IV. The nurse inserts it without fuss as Marty looks at the wall. Then, as they're both cringing, the nurse gives them a lecture about exactly which sexual acts Deeks is capable of these days. It's somehow worse than any sex ed classes he had in middle school. He's never seen Kensi blush like that, either.

After the nurse leaves, Marty says, "Is it okay if we don't, suddenly nothing seems sexy to me right now."

"Seriously," Kensi says. She gives a quick kiss on his cheek and practically runs away.

xx

Kensi spends the week getting everything ready for Deeks to come home. She unpacks his subscription boxes, cleans his apartment, works out a schedule with Regina to make sure Monty still gets his walks even when Deeks can't do it.

Sam and Callen have taken it upon themselves to find Eric a new place so it's ready when he gets out of the hospital.

Hetty says, "I hope we're doing all this personal business not on our work time." Her voice lacks conviction, in Kensi's opinion. She wants to kick herself when she realizes she's quoting the Avengers. She was relieved when Deeks stopped watching those Marvel movies every single day but it's too late. They're imprinted on her brain. She thinks about Chris Evans's butt for a brief, lovely moment.

Nell has been sleeping at the Mission. No one brings it up.

It's Friday and she will be getting Deeks from the hospital in two hours. She sits down in the middle of Deeks's living room. The floor is cold even through her jeans. Kensi wants. She wants everything back to whatever their normal was. She wants to feel safe. She wants to stop feeling so exposed and open, her flayed heart visible to everyone. She wants to sleep. Maybe for days. She wants to be the kind of person who would just break down and cry and have that catharsis. She wants Deeks to make her something from his Mantry box because just thinking it makes her at least want to laugh.

She does not want to go back to not being with Deeks in whatever weird configuration they are currently with each other. She does not want to think how little chance they will have to make their thing work.

She wants him. She wants to do her job. She does not want to clean up her friends' apartments and visit hospitals.

She is cold and stiff and she forces herself to stand. She can do all this. She knows she can. She wipes her face. She did cry, a little. It's cathartic.

xx

Kensi drops him off but then she has to go. Callen comes by to help him get re-adjusted and set up since Deeks is barely at half-strength. "Kensi was not kidding about your Mantry," Callen says.

"Stay away from my South Carolina rice, man," he says.

Callen stands over him with his serious face. "I'm sorry," he says. "It was my fault."

Marty says, "No, it wasn't. You weren't there and you didn't do anything to me. G, I'm exhausted and I don't have time for this."

"Maybe I have trouble with it, too, and I saw you and Sam and this is me, trying for closure."

Marty smiles at him and soon the two of them are laughing. Marty says, "Can you say closure a few more times?"

"I was a little bit serious," Callen says.

He hands Marty a gun. Marty holds it on his lap, not really touching it. "Did Penny say this was okay?"

"Yeah," Callen says. "This morning."

"Okay," he says. He checks the gun, gets used to its feel and weight in his hand.

Kensi comes by, they watch tv, she leaves to sleep in her own bed. He loves his bed. He really loves his bed.

There's a sound and once again, there's Janvier. He's standing in the doorway, his gun trained on Marty. Marty rolls out of bed as the first shots are fired. He grips the gun Callen gave him and then raises it to fire. Janvier is laughing and laughing and Marty gasps, awake.

The apartment is dark. But something is moving. Something made a sound. He grabs the gun from under the pillow and rolls on his side, trying to slow his breathing so the sound will think he's asleep again. He hears something. He presses his panic button.

The sound resolves to three people being very stealthy as they come around to his bedroom.

Monty is at Regina's. Thinking of that makes him calm. Monty is safe, so that's good.

All three are now standing in the doorway. It's a pity Marty has a double door at the entrance to the room, because he bets they've separated slightly and aren't helpfully bunched together. He's had the safety off on his gun since he took it from under the pillow.

Janvier is the one in the middle with the limping walk. Eric, apparently, smashed a glass into his leg.

Marty takes a quiet breath and raises his arm - one two three shots off as quick as he can where he knows they are and then he rolls to the floor. His arm is suddenly searing in pain but he's on the floor and he can breath without pain. He closes his eyes.

Someone fires off 6 shots in quick succession. Not at him, thank goodness.

"And you're awake," Eric says from somewhere to the left.

Marty opens his eyes. He's in a hospital again. "Well, fuck. Please tell me I get to go home," he says. He sounds like a three year old but he is so sick of catheters. He sees Eric, leaning on his crutches, Hetty and Kensi.

"You're good," Kensi says. "It was a through and through, upper left arm. We might be able to take you home as soon as tomorrow morning."

"I take it everyone's dead," Marty says. "Bad guys, I mean."

"Yes," Hetty says. "Unfortunately, so are the two agents guarding you." She looks very old as she says it. "But you killed one of the henchmen and injured Janvier and the other. It was rather easy for Kensi and Callen to dispatch them."

"That must have been fun," Marty says.

"Callen basically emptied his clip into Janvier's face," Eric says. He doesn't say it with relish. "But it's definitely over."

Kensi smiles at him. She hasn't said anything, but she's holding his non-useless hand. She squeezes his hand, and he squeezes back. This is real, he thinks. Puny villain, he thinks. The good guys win, the bad guys don't.

xx

Kensi comes by Deeks's apartment after work. He's offering treats to Monty. "Do you like me?" Monty barks. He gets a treat.

"That's a little sad," Kensi says. "Actually that's a lot sad."

"Before you got here, he was doing tricks," Deeks says. "But yeah, it is a lot sad." He smiles at her. "How was your day, honey? Did you stop any terrorist plots?"

"Ugh, no. Surveillance, listening to wires." She scoots closer to him on the couch and he puts his arm around her shoulders. Things are weird, she thinks. But getting better.

"Super dull," he says.

"Basically," she says.

"I like super dull, a little," he says. "Feels real."

_If we live to see the other side of this,_  
I will remember your kiss.  
so do it with your mouth open.  
and take your foot off of the brake  
for christ's sake


End file.
